10th grade. Sophomore year. Do I feel any different or any more excited than any of the other years? Nopee. Not one bit. It’s just another year, that’s what all of them are starting to seem like. No real difference and the same problems stay while never going away. Honestly, can I say that this year sucks? I mean, it’s not really the schedule, it’s not band, it’s not hard classes… It’s not even really school that’s the problem in any way. I don’t know, this year is just kinda “jank”. Ever heard that word? It’s a good one. Means screwed up but not that necessarily terrible. Like everything looks right, but even still I can feel something isn’t. I guess the good part is knowing what that something is. The bad part is having to think about what could be better about the situation when really there isn’t any way to fix any of it. So I guess the real solution would be just suck it up, keep on going, it’s all gonna be alright. But I just can’t seem to do that. I can’t help that I want some friends in my classes, I can’t help but think about how I never get to see Cassidy, I can’t help but wonder why the heck the school couldn’t have put me and Savy in one class together. Or even just lunch with one of em, that would have been great too, but nope. Not gonna happen and as far as I know, it might be like this again for the next 3 years so I should probably get used to it. It’s just difficult because I feel like there is always the chance of losing someone when you can never see them or talk to them. And that scares me. We are only into the first week of school and already I feel like its going to take a lot of work to keep some friendships going this year. Is it worth the fight? Heck yea it is, no questions there. Both of my friends that are separated from me the most in school mean the most to me. But they’re not walking away that easy without a fight. And yes, I will for sure fight. I don’t know where I would be if either of these friendships died. I know it wouldn’t look good though, and I know I prefer to have these people close to me rather than always a million miles away. This isn’t just something I can block out, it really means a lot to me to make sure everything works out for the best. I don’t know, it’s just drama I guess. There is always plenty of that to go around.
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Goodness. I’m just at the point where I have no idea what I should do, and it’s messing me up pretty good. For starters, how can I keep someone close to me that keeps trying to push me away? I don’t know that it’s about me doing something wrong, more me not doing enough things right. It kinda makes me feel like I haven’t been good enough or that I’m just not what that person wants anymore. I don’t want to let them go, as much as it might be the right thing to do at this point. I’ve worked so hard to get here in our relationship with this friend, and now that I’m here it just sucks for me. Not because they aren’t what I thought they would be, but because I think I’m not what that someone actually wanted. So here I am somewhere in the middle where I’m being pushed away ever so slightly while I want nothing more to be closer to this person. I’m fighting a fight that I’m not sure is worth it anymore. The toll taken on me these past few months has been honestly awful and I really don’t know how much more I can take. What if everything I’ve done was all for nothing in the end? What if all the pushing and struggling to be closer just turns the other person bitter towards me and then I’m left worse than I am right now? What if I should stop trying to be closer to this person and let them push me away? Ugh, it’s all stuff that I just don’t WANT to do, but its probably time to start thinking about what I SHOULD do. Most of you probably don’t understand what this even means or who I’m referencing. And believe me, it’s just better not to ask. Sometimes I don’t even know myself. Like I said, I’m lost. All I know is that I love this person and I just really don’t want to let them go.
Slight chills out of the blue triggered what might have been the worst night I have ever gone through physically and mentally. On the road to my grandparents house in South Carolina I started feeling progressively worse as we went on. About 30 minutes out from the house I knew i had some kinda awful fever building. Fever shot off as soon as I got to the house and eventually topped at 105 and I honestly thought I was gonna die.
That’s one strange thing to go through. I mean here I was barely coherent, feeling the worst I have in my life, and the only thing going through my head was thoughts about a few friends. First thoughts: “What if I never get to see them again?” or “What if that time I saw her a week ago was the last time I would ever see her in my life?” Questions like that really mess you up. I’m not ready to say goodbye forever to any of my friends. And the thing is, if I had died right then, I wouldn’t have been able to say anything at all. I mean I could send a text off real quick.. But is a goodbye really the same when technology has to be present for it to take place? You can’t give any hugs or possibly a goodbye kiss, and no truly meaningful words can be said.
So at that point in time, I was just plain scared. I didn’t want that night to be my last, I wanted to be able to see my friends just one more time. I wasn’t ready to die. But then really, who is ready to die? When your time comes, I doubt many are prepared, and the ones who are ready are the lucky few. This experience just got me thinkin… I don’t know, it’s weird stuff.
I never thought thinking too much would be bad, but really it can be. I over analyze everything and spend all of my time thinking about something that really isn’t too important, or if it is it doesn’t require that much thought. I’ve always done it, but why do I? I’m not really naturally quiet but I can be when I want to be. Give me some I really know or someone I really want to get to know, and I’ll talk without any problem. But then there are just the points when I don’t feel like talking and I put in the iPod and just start going. Deep thinking just kinda comes naturally to me but sometimes I wish it didn’t. Maybe my decisions are better because of it, but it doesn’t mean they are any easier to make. Anything I say, anything I do, I promise you I have thought about before. But then the other problem with thinking, a hard decision becomes even harder when you spend so much time mulling over it. I don’t know, just felt like writing again and this is the latest thing going through my head. Such is life!
I think I like swimming more than any sport so far. Not only is it a fantastic workout, but it pretty much kinda soothes me. Like when I need to think about something I usually do one of three things: take a walk, lay in my room (switchfoot blasting), or I go to swim practice. Overall, it’s a very antisocial sport when you think about it! At practice any conversations you have usually only last the 10 seconds break between sets. Great time to do some thinking! I think it’s funny though, because I have made friends at swim that I don’t think I could have made anywhere else. I mean don’t get me wrong, none of these friendships are really close, but I can see them getting that way. Basically the most unlikey place possible introduced me to friendships that just might last a lifetime. I don’t know what will happen yet, it’s a process and I’m in the works right now trying to build it up one step at a time. I can honestly say that have one, maybe two serious lifelong friendships. There is honesty between, there’s trust, and love to. Basically those are your three elements of friendship right there. Without any of those I am not certain how it can last. Truly good people are hard to come by, and when you find them you shouldn’t let go without a fight. And really, if you had a friendship going deep, would you let go easily?
How’s my current friendship working? Won’t know till later, but I hope I don’t screw up somewhere and mess up something that could have been great. I guess that’s just part of the process though. Blehh, boy do I get off topic!
Ever cared about someone so much that you would do anything for them? No matter if it’s what will benefit you in the long run or not. Being there hurts, but it’s almost a good kind of hurt. Knowing that the person you care about the most is happy should make it worth it in the end, but sometimes we don’t feel that way. If you care about someone enough to die for them, shouldn’t you be able to die to yourself figuratively as well? SELFISHNESS should be replaced with SELFLESSNESS when you care about someone at that level, so then why aren’t I doing that? I mean it’s easy to put on the fake happy face on the outside while every fiber on the inside is saying to embrace the greed and do what makes you happy. But really is that showing love to that person at all? If your goal from the beginning was to be the best friend you can be, why screw it all up by letting your flesh butt in even if it means sacrificing something you want now for something that will prove a wise choice in the future. There are times where I could throw everything I’ve worked for away in one swift moment just to satisfy my desire at the time. But then I know that the better choice lies elsewhere and if I truly cared about that person, I wouldn’t put myself first. Realizing that love, and further, living out actions by that love is tough stuff. Confusing? I know.. It took me a long time to even attempt to put this in words. I guess the real question is this..
Do I put the happiness of someone I care about (more than words can describe) before my own? The world tells us no, do whatever you need to be happy and go through with it without a care.. Somehow, I think God says differently. So for right now and hopefully forever, I plan on putting the happiness of my loved ones first over mine any day of the week. Sure I’ll stumble, but it wouldn’t be called a stumble if you weren’t meant to get back up.
We go are whole lives striving for something, for one central goal in life. Everyone’s end point appears different, but essentially is the same. We all look for happiness, friendship, the sense of belonging, someone to love… You get the general idea. Unfortunately, not everyone realizes that those things and more can not be achieved without something more. We try to push away that presence, the feeling of a master that you can’t control. All through our lives we fight it, whether we are followers of Jesus or not. Notice I say followers of Jesus instead of Christian. It doesn’t take much to label oneself as Christian. I have seen many people (wearing cross necklaces, attending church every Sunday and Wednesday) SAY they are a Christian. The thing about the south, everybody is a “Christian”. The term is used so loosely. It is almost politically incorrect to say otherwise down here. If you don’t go to church it is considered out of the norm. To be a follower of Jesus the “title” says it all. You must live your life for the glory of God and believe, follow, and trust God in everything you do. Nobody ever said anything about being perfect, mistakes are going to happen, quite frequently I might add. The hard part is realizing the sin in your life, repenting, being held accountable, and picking yourself back up, stumbling down the path Jesus has layed before you one step at a time. Without Jesus, there really is no purpose in life, no ultimate goal. As much as we want to fight our eternal master, what’s the point? Wordly pleasures only satisfy for so long and they only end up hurting the people we care about most. We could go through life seeking worldly thrills shunning our calling, only to realize on our deathbed’s that our whole life was a waste… And then what?
